Dear Wendy,
I was recently approached by a very attractive well dressed man who claimed he was a relative of Ferdinand IV of Sweden. He said he could offer me security and a happy prosperous life in Scandinavia with my own herd of reindeer and an Ikea Gold Card. Should I tell my husband, or just go?
Calamari Taliban
Beyondendon
WENDY WRITES
Dear Calamari
Men as a rule are fiendishly jealous. He will undoubtedly misinterpret your present dillemma as some sort of threat to his fragile manhood. Be gentle with him. Tell him you are popping out for some chips, and don't come back. It will be better this way.
|
Dear Wendy,
My husband Geoff wants me to have plastic surgery. He is only 4 foot 6 whereas I am 6 feet 3, and he feels that my face would be better re-situated on my stomach, where we would be able to have face to face conversations without him having to stand on a box. I cannot help thinking that the subsequent lack of features on my head would attract undue attention. What should I do?
Catherine Wierl
Warburton cum Twandly
WENDY WRITES
Dear Catherine
My first husband was an eskimo . He was no good in bed, but boy could he skin seals! That however is by the by. I appreciate your husband's concern, but if God had meant us to have faces on our stomachs, he would have said so in the bible. Have you considered Botox?
|
| Dear Wendy,
Since my husband (against my wishes) decided to become Lithuanian,
I cannot understand a word he says. Can you recommend a good crash course
in Lithuanian, or should I just settle for blank looks?
R.Peggio (Mrs)
Meerschaum
WENDY WRITES
Dear Mrs Peggio,
Many women would gladly swap an anally retentive
englishman for a fiery Lithuanian wolf, language barrier or not. Since most emotions can be conveyed with a saucy twitch of the eyebrow or a wink,
I do not think that learning Lithuanian, ( a difficult, gutteral Balkan language),
is strictly necessary. However I can recommend 'Lithuanian without Tears'
by Hadjik Kpetliana (Haddock & Trout £13.50)
|
Dear Wendy,
I recently borrowed my boyfriend's shell-suit.
Whilst I was wearing it, I found myself admiring the performance of Judy
Garland in "The Wizard of Oz" - Does this mean I am gay?
Ireni Pavalova
Trumpton
WENDY WRITES,
Dear Ireni,
Almost certainly. But just to make sure, you can
buy an inexpensive gay testing kit from any reputable pharmacy which should
give you a result in 2-3 hours.
|
| Dear Wendy,
I am an Episcopalian Methodist, whilst
my husband Derek is a Seventh Day Adventist. He is forbidden from wearing trousers
when there is more than one "R" in the month, which conflicts
with my belief that Jesus came down from the ark to tell us
to wear chunky gold crosses and stop eating dolphins. Since we are planning
a holiday in Acapulco next year, what do you suggest for beachwear?
Mavis Cattermole
Wobbleswick
WENDY WRITES
Dear Mavis,
1. Religion is
bunkum. If your husband were a gentleman he would retain his trousers
at all times, regardless of the number of "R"s in the month.
Likewise, your Alien Jesus Bling convictions are most probably the result
of a starch heavy diet, and are best kept under wraps.
2. Acapulco screams thong to me, but not if you have an arse like a slab
of tripe.
|
Dear Wendy,
I have received an invitation be a guest at the Lord Mayor's
banquet, but I suffer from Turet's Syndrome fucking tits! ...Whilst
not wishing to embarress myself in front of his worship the Lord...twat!....Mayor...wanker!...I
feel compelled to attend, bollocks! ..... owing to my position as fuckwit!....
press secretary to the shite!...town council, . Do you have any
piss off!...advice which could alleviate my....hairy .arseholes!
Twat bollocks shithead!......dillemma?
Emma... Fuck it! ...Harbunkle
Fuckfield
WENDY WRITES,
Dear Emma,
Goodness! I haven't heard that much swearing since
my first husband was stung on the penis by a wasp. My solution is simple.
Have your dentist wire up your jaw, and take along a professional ventriloquist
as your escort. Merely reciting "Peter Piper" or saying "Gottle
o' geer" all the time however, is no substitute for a cultured conversation,
so make sure he's got a couple of O levels. My website www.wendysworld.com
provides a list of affordable and discreet ventriloquist services catering
for the tongue tied or compulsively sweary.
|
| Dear Wendy,
I recently received an invitation to be best man
at a cousin's wedding, but due to a badly adjusted bicycle saddle I have
extremely swollen testicles. The left one is about twice it's normal size,
but the right one has assumed gargantuan proportions, and resembles a
huge mis-shapen celeriac. I feel that wearing enormous trousers would
give the game away. Do you have any suggestions?
John Bisquit
Upper Dicker
WENDY WRITES,
Dear John,
Don't panic. Put them in a wheelbarrow and tell
everyone you've gone organic. Should guests attempt to squeeze your produce,
say you are a government GM scientist and make a noise like a chicken.
|
Dear Wendy,
Re the above letter.
Turet's syndrome is an essentially
verbal affliction, and does not manifest itself when the sufferer is writing.
This letter is clearly made up by your editorial department in a cynical attempt
to extract cheap humour out of an unfortunate condition. I myself am a
Turet's sufferer, and as you can see, I am not predisposed to inserting random
rude exclamations with no regard for the
rules of grammar or syntax, into my sentences. Please desist forthwith,
should you wish to prevent me from cancelling my subscription.
R. Seoul (Dr)
Penis and address witheld by request
WENDY WRITES,
Dear Dr.Seoul,
Nobody
likes a smartarse. As a matter of fact, the
letter you refer to was dictated via our voicemail, and severely edited
on the grounds of decency and good taste. Stick
your subscription up your arse, if you can get it past your enormous head. (better leave that last bit out-ed) |
