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TV SET
GUANOCABLE TV LISTINGS • Stay in and veg out with GUANOCABLE
0630 CARTOONS
Featuring Ninja Chefs, Toupérats, Banzai Bear, The Pasta Eating Robots etc

0900 NEWS WEATHER
LOCAL NEWS All the stolen cars.

0915 WHERE'S MY WARDROBE? The team of Deidre Slut and Cindy Trollope break into viewer's houses and steal their bedroom furniture-with hilarious results

0945 WHERE'S MY.....BOLLOCKS! Deidre and Cindy show us their boobs as we are treated to the hilarious out-takes of 'Where's my Wardrobe?' Watch out for the girls accidentally breaking into Tintern Abbey!

1025 GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH

1130 THERE THERE Hilary Mule chairs a discussion on soft fabrics, nice biscuits, a lovely mug of tea and a valium.

1300 NATIONAL NEWS WEATHER then over to GUANOGLOBAL TV for the news in French, Italian, and a smattering of Greek.

1303 HALLELUJAH HIGH New series. Students at a Baptist Fundamentalist school get up to some good behaviour, with hilarious results! This week, Becky steps in something icky, but Brad cleans it up before mom comes home.

1400 NEIGHBOURS Lucy posts Kevin's sperm sample to Peggy by mistake. Harry shouts at Nadine. Bill looks a bit pasty after getting shagged up the arse by a Turkish waiter. Fran finds her keys.

1700 THE SHOUTY POINTY SHOW Tired children behave like drunks for an hour.

1730 WHERE'S MY OLD WARDROBE Classic repeats of the smash hit bedroom clearing show. Remember what they found under Cliff Richard's mattress?

1800 NEWS Serious-faced snippets from the world of items

1830 SCREENSAVER HOUR Screensavers from around the globe

2000 BBC NEWS, LOCAL NEWS, WEATHER, SPORT pigeon fanciers news, news for spiders, news with no clothes on.

2015 THE WORLD'S CRAZIEST POLICE TROUSERS Real footage of bizzarre examples.

2045 WORLD IN ACTION SPECIAL Undercover reporter Geezer Balustrade spent 43 years posing as a window dresser in a London cured ham shop. This is his story.

2115 NEIGHBOURS (Rpt)

2145 NEIGHBOURS (Rpt)

2215 NEIGHBOURS (Rpt)

1147 LATE LATE LATE TALK TALK Tracy Emin explains how sperm and untidiness have made her what she is today. Ned Sherrin illuminates.

100am FILM When Cheese Inflates (1958) Routine culinary Sci-Fi horror directed by Basil Wangberg, starring William O'Hara as the Big Roquefort and Rita Titti as the mad bus conductress. Are you still up? Have a cup of warm milk.