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| THE HASTINGS OBSERVER NOVEMBER
2003  |
GARDENGATE HAUNTS MAYORAL
FUNCTION |
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The scandal
that has become known as Gardengate refuses to go away. During
a lull in Mayor Sooty's speech to the St. Leonard's Branch of the Ancient
& Unctious Order of The Oriental Buffoons on Thursday, a voice was
heard shouting "You can't sweep this under the carpet!",
a comment which caused the Mayor's wife, Sweep, to glow with embarressment.
Simultaneously, several unnaturally large swedes landed on the mayor's
podium to cries of 'Show us your veg!', which was the signal for a great
deal of ribald laughter from the assembled Oriental Buffoons. It proved
impossible to determine exactly which Buffoon was responsible for the
ill-timed comment, due to the huge inscrutible japanese masks which every
Oriental Buffoon is required to wear at official functions. Police took
away CCTV camera footage of the vegetable-hurling incident for further
investigation |
| ITS
A FUR COP |
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| Sgt. Cummerbund of Hastings Constabulary said later:- 'Vegetables this large don't grow on trees. We think criminal gangs, possibly of Chinese or Italian or Eastern European origin are responsible, although we cannot rule out Al Qu'aeda or the Japanese Mafia or the Yardies this early in the investigation. We appeal to the public to be on the alert for any fluctuations in the dimensions of their vegetables, however small. Vigilance is of the essence, not to mention Mum being the word. Remember careless talk costs lives.' | |
NONSENSE |
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| When the subject of Mayor Sooty's alleged involvement in the scandal was raised, Sgt Cummerbund would say only this:- 'Many factors in this case are not what they seem. Rumours abound, often clothed in a huge fog of theatrical smoke, and surrounded by distorting mirrors. Whether or not the office of the Lord Mayor, the Right Honorable Sooty and his fragrant wife Sweep, mother of their two fine children, is, or should be besmirched in this disgraceful fashion is a matter for the finest legal minds in the country, namely Messrs. Pierce, Stanbeck, Hadaway & Shayte, the soliciters currently acting for His Worship at this juncture. I would also add that neither my membership of the Ancient and Unctious Order of the Oriental Buffoons, nor the membership of His Worshipful Mayor and Grand Imperial Wizard Lord Sooty, has any bearing on the objective and unbiased neutrality of this investigation. Let this be an end to the matter.' Sgt Cummerbund is 18 stone 5lbs and his wife runs a Jag ©Guanoglobal News |
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