Capricorn (22 December-20 January) The moon may stare at you. Well, stare right back! It's only a big shiny rock!

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) An unsuccessful burglary attempt upsets you greatly. Go round the back and in through the conservatory next time. Gussets cause mayhem on the 29th.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)  With Coriander on the ascendent, those Piscians looking for love should beware ginger-haired sailors. Carry a bucket for good luck on the 17th.

Aries (21 March-20 April)  Arians typically detest octopus, but you should try some on the April 15th, when Taurus conjoins with Venus, causing a huge cusp. Remember, you can lead your grandmother to eggs, but you can't make her suck.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)  An angry bus conductress may knock on your door. Give her some peppermints. Pluto rules your hair-sign.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)  Leeds and Scunthorpe mean nothing to you. And why should they? Paper-hanging on the 12th brings tidings of a terpsichorean nature. Avoid shoes, and anything beginning with 'R' or 'K'

Cancer (22June 23 July)   Good news from Canada. A parcel containing snow could alter your fortunes for the better. Look out for traces of penguin.

Leo (24 July-23 August)  So-called friends invite you to a squirrel-shooting party. With Venus diving, go at your peril! A gas leak irritates, especially on the 9th.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) Although you cannot wear tartan socks with shorts, you do. A small electric shock on the 30th causes disproportionate mayhem.

Libra (24 September-23 October) Ah ha! Just as I thought! Everyone knows where you got that tan! And why are you walking like that? The first week in October will bode well for tall Librans, but beware of cows, bicycles, and chess sets.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November)  A house guest steals your pyjamas, leaving a small porcelain hedgehog in their place.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) Your dining room floor is covered in peas around the 23rd. The problem with peas is they are too round. Unless they are mushy, any sort of slope can cause them to roll off the plate. Tiny weights, glued to the underside of the peas should solve this problem.

©2007 The Amazing Marzo