SLIGHTLY FOXED

Dear Lyer,
  Here we go again with the gay-leaning hippy drippy boo-hoo brigade determined to ban fox hunting. What do they know about the countryside with their hovermowers and electrical gadgetry? For heaven's sake-the fox is a menace, not a cuddly fluffball to keep your silk pyjamas in! In my area, rogue foxes regularly pluck babies out of prams and are known to perform human sacrifices. Last August an entire reservoir in Surrey emptied overnight, cutting off the water supply to over 100,000 households. Three old age pensioners dried.The culprit? - Old foxy. If democracy is to survive, we must act ruthlessly and stamp out the international fox menace for good. If God had meant foxes to dominate the earth, He wouldn't have created johdpurs.
I myself was recently assaulted and robbed by three masked foxes on my way to block a road with my tractor. I may be wrong, but I thought I saw one of them sneering.

Bob Hayseed (faarmer)
Hassock-in-the-Wurne

Do any of our readers have any views on the domination of the world by foxes?

EMINEM - ART OR ARSE?

Dear Lyer,
 I am writing to defend the artist Tracy Eminem, whose unfair treatment by you and the rest of the male dominated media really gets my coat (goat surely? - ed). Tracy is right to be upset by such criticism. She, on her own, has singlehandedly dragged the so-called art world away from the paternal dominance of the Old Masters (no mistresses in there I notice-Hah!), and into the kicking screaming 21st shentury (sic). I seriously doubt that any of you so-called art critics (men to a man no doubt!) possess even a fraction of the intelligence, integrity or commitment required to sleep in the same sheets for nine months. Furthermore, I would be hard pressed to remember the names of the last five blokes I'd slept with, let alone the last 52!

Bob Ulala (Ms)
Bexhill

See Arts News : Tracy - Why does everyone think I'm an twat? - ed

HUNT CULT

Dear Lyer,
 I was listening to Radio 2 the other day whilst I cut up a couple of cow carcases for the hounds, when I heard "Countryside Alliance". How refreshing to hear a record which extolls the healthy outdoor pastime of foxhunting. The Hunt Cult have come up with a jolly catchy ditty which so perfectly encapsulates the joy of getting drunk at 6am, getting on a horse and galloping about killing furry animals. I have only one criticism however:- I may stand accused of being old fashioned and fuddy-duddy, but why does it have to have the word "bloody" in it?

THE LYER SAYS : click here to listen to The Hunt Cult and make your own mind up

FORWARD THINKING

Dear Lyer,
When is Marzo the astrologer to the stars due back? That Japanese bloke you got in is useless. He makes astrology sound like some groundless, unscientific mumbo-jumbo cooked up to satisfy the crude spiritual yearnings of morons.

Cuthbert String
Eastbourne

THE LYER SAYS: Crude spiritual yearnings should not be dismissed out of hand. We at the Lyer are of the opinion that that Morons have just as much right to believe in unscientific mumbo-jumbo as Roman Catholics, Jews and Muslims. Marzo arrived back two weeks ago, but was delayed by airport security. He has assured The Lyer that he will be back at the helm as soon as the cheque has cleared,
(lab results are confirmed, surely? - ed).

CRICKET BALLS

Dear Lyer,
The whining hoards of unwashed liberal namby-pambies are wrong as usual. Public beheadings and the amputating of limbs have no bearing on whether we should tour Saudi Arabia or not. The predominently Sunni arabs are practically strangers to the game of cricket, and play with a tennis ball. Saudi wickets tend to be very sandy with small dunes dotted around the boundary. Under these circumstances, our high order batsmen are odds on to rack up a huge score, thus restoring the England team to it's rightful position as fourth best in the world, Are we to allow a few human rights abuses to prevent our great sporting ambassadors from bringing British decency and democracy to a country which, let's face it, still supports the abolition of slavery?

R.Kilroy-Silk (no relation)
Brussels

MATHS DESTRUCTION

Dear Lyer,
I wonder if you could settle an argument. My friend says that in an equilateral triangle, the square on the side of the hypotinuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. I say that the angle of incidence is equal to the angle of reflection. Who is right?

THE LYER SAYS: You are both wrong. The Otto cycle is a two-stroke internal combustion engine with a low cubic capacity, unsuitable for heavy pulling work.It was originally designed for King Otto of Sweden, whose religion forbade him to wipe his own arse.

 

CROICPOT

Dear Lyer,
I saw in the paper the other day where Gerry Adams the Irish Republican spokesmansperson was quoted as saying that he "had great difficulty passing a bookshop". I don't doubt it - many people in Ireland, both of the Loyalist and Republican persuation, would seriously question the wisdom of eating one in the first place. Doctors have warned for years that the binding on many hardback novels can remain in the lower abdominal tract for several days. Art catalogues and old car manuals in particular are notoriously difficult to digest, and can cause severe stomach disorders if not chewed properly. This may result in twisting of the bowel, chronic constipation and death. As far as eating the building itself is concerned - wood is obviously preferable to brick, but in the long run it is advisable to stick to the government recommended diet of raw prunes, goat cheese, and alfalfa.

Prof. E. Tojam
Dept of Nutrician
Hartlepool Anal Retention Centre
Dublin University

Do any of our readers know why the above letter was published?

THE FUTURE'S ORANGE

Dear Lyer,
Has anyone seen that new TV series "Guantanamo Baywatch"? What a load of rubbish! Huge-breasted women romping around a beach in orange boiler suits? Call that entertainment? I say bring back Eamonn Andrews the radio ventriloquist, and that bloke who eats light bulbs. And hanging. In my day you could go out with 5p in your pocket, drink as much as you like, and still have enough money left over for a generous portion of fish and chips and a prostitute

A.Pierrepoint
Pessery-in-the-Hammock

THE LYER SAYS: If any of our readers remember the good old days, or have some hilarious anecdotes about times gone by, why not get together and jump off a cliff? Or set yourselves on fire?